NEW YORK CITY, NY - On Tuesday, former President Donald Trump surrendered to authorities. Trump was indicted by a grand jury for campaign finance violations surrounding hush money that was paid to porn actress Stormy Daniels.
“This charge is a political persecution,” said former Vice-President Mike Pence. “Especially, when you consider all the other juicy shit they should nail him on,” Pence continued.
“It is strange when you think about it. Trump is being charged with campaign fraud for paying money to keep a woman who wanted to have sex with him silent,” said a source in the NYC District Attorney’s Office. “Especially,” the source continued, “….when you think of all the other gems we could have gotten him on…like loan scamming, real estate fraud, long history of swindling vendors, trea-“ the source continued by unfortunately this reporter’s iCloud ran out of space.
Trump’s attorney, Todd Blanche, was adamant that the 45th President is immune from consequences of any kind. Said Blanche, “….Trump has dodged the Vietnam War, Casino bankruptcy, Sexual assault charges, Racial housing discrimination, the complete sham that was Trump University, Hiring Undocumented work-” Blanche continued this list but this reporter dozed off. This reporter came to as Blanche uttered “-ssian double agent.” Unfortunately, he refused to repeat himself.
At press time, after spending several hours being inconvenienced by his arrest, Trump flew home to his private resort on his personal jet. Once there, he railed incoherently for an hour on live television.
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